February 2012
13 posts
“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”
– Demetri Martin, This is a Book (via oliveswind)
“If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead. Shit life.”
– Demetri Martin (via oliviaisthebomb)
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
– Demetri Martin (via stevepethel)
“I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it...”
– Demetri Martin (via stevepethel)
It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy:
angryflamingo:
Location,
location,
location.
“I just feel like there’s a parallel world right in front of us that’s revealed...”
– Demetri Martin
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9eeMLqZB1Q&NR=1&feature=endscreen watch all the parts
(via morganisthenewblack)
January 2012
34 posts
“The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line”
– Demetri Martin (via cuuhhlaire)
It's a little ironic that one thing a babysitter...
1 tag
“An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time but I...”
– Demetri Martin (via carmellalosi)
Everyone knows a drunk driver is dangerous.
self-construction:
But so is a drunk back seat driver…if he’s really persuasive.
“Dude, make a left.”
“Those are trees.”
“Trust me.”
iwillbeyourgoal:
i don’t like thank you cards, ‘cause i don’t know what else to say.
what do i put on the inside?
“man.”
“see front.”
i just think they’re very redundant, it’s just like “thank you” and you open it, “thank you.”
tell me something i don’t know.
“thank you. i fear dolphins”
wow, this guy’s grateful and interesting!
and dolphins can be aggressive swimmers.
important things
musharama:
“An easy way to make someone sound less powerful…
…is just to put DJ before their name.”
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by...”
– Demetri Martin (via tastedwalentz)
talabur:
“Hot Potato” is a much different game when the people playing are hungry. It just becomes “My Potato”.
“If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”
– Demetri Martin “These Are Jokes” (via algedonics)
“Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.”
– Demetri Martin (via fuckyeahcoolbeans)
“If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.”
– Demetri Martin (via morrismaryson)
December 2011
1 post
2 tags
Apologies for the SEVERE lack of updates.
Who knew nursing school would take up all of your free time? Anyway, I’m gonna try updating this thing more often. Like, at least once next year. I’m finally on winter break now, so hopefully I can catch up a little bit over the next couple of weeks. Feel free to flood my inbox with submissions, that would actually really help a lot! I’ll try to queue things for the next three...
June 2011
13 posts
