"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said Happy Birthday on it. I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it."
I was thinking about this quote the other day, and I decided that this will be the year that I finally wrap Christmas presents the Demetri Martin way. Then I thought, “Maybe I can get everyone else in on this!”
Behold: The “Happy Birthday Jesus” Project.
If you decide to add a little Demetri Martin flair to your Christmas gift wrapping this year, please send in pictures of your gifts (you can be in the picture too!) to firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m hoping to post as many photos as possible here on Christmas day. In your email, feel free to leave your Tumblr username, first name, and/or city/state/country—it would be great to see how widespread the fanbase is. I hope to see a lot of you participate! Please reblog and spread the word! Thanks, everyone!
I think it would suck to get rug burn during a fire. 'Aw man, now I'm gonna get two kinds of burns!? You've gotta be kidding me!' And then somebody says something sassy to you? That's a triple burn right there.
A couple of months into 2006, Demetri Martin went over to DreamWorks and pitched a movie idea to studio head Adam Goodman, and some other guy named Steven Spielberg. The idea was for a movie called “Will.” Apparently they seemed to like it, because they bought it. According to Demetri Martin himself, he has already been paid for it. “I got a deal to write a script for DreamWorks—they paid me—so that’s due in 12 weeks. I actually got to pitch it to Spielberg, and he was excited.”
While Demetri will not star in this movie, he will have a supporting role of some sort. Currently Scot Armstrong (the writer of “Old School” and “Road Trip”) is set to produce it.
So far, here is what is known about its plot/story:
"Will" centers on an ordinary guy who lives in a world where people’s lives and destinies are being written by scribes in Heaven. The man wakes up one day to find that his heavenly writer has decided to no longer draft his life, and he must go about his day unscripted.
“‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’”—Demetri Martin (via stopsayingmynamewrong)
Dammit I’m mad. Evil is a deed as I live. God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt. To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss. Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help? Man, it is hot. I’m in it. I tell. I am not a devil. I level “Mad Dog”. Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp, In my halo of a mired rum tin. I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin. Is evil in a clam? In a trap? No. It is open. On it I was stuck. Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web. Be still if I fill its ebb. Ew, a spider… eh? We sleep. Oh no! Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position. Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name. Both, one… my names are in it. Murder? I’m a fool. A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash, A Goddam level I lived at. On mail let it in. I’m it. Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet! A loss it is alas (sip). I’d assign it a name. Name not one bottle minus an ode by me: “Sir, I deliver. I’m a dog” Evil is a deed as I live. Dammit I’m mad.