I saw an ugly pregnant woman walking down the street the other day and I...– Demetri Martin (Just For Laughs festival: Toronto) (via mymayersstripes)
thisisthuper asked: i hope you dont find this bitchy at all, but on the birds joke, its creepy. not crazy. i think i suffer from a little ocd. and i look at this often, and always see that. and i finally got the balls to something. sorry, for this being so long.
Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type “lol”. I...
What’s the difference between a children’s toy and an adult toy? Location,...– d. martin (person) (via theworldaroundkeith)
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time....
kimmoexplainsitall asked: is there a joke where he talks about neutral graffiti then says something about toy story 2?? if so do you know where it was from?
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it...– Demetri Martin (via headbreeze)
How to be a bouncer.
mcxtrash: Be an asshole. Stand near a door.
Bird watching is harmless…to us. But to birds, that shit’s creepy.– Demetri Martin (via alyssabennett)