I think an eating contest is really just the...
Whenever I meet somebody who has a kid, they have to show me a photo of their...– Demetri Martin (via emilicarter)
sjuhye: “I think vests are all about...
“I’m afraid of sharks, but only in a water situation. Like, if I saw a shark on the street, I’d be like, ‘WHAT?! FUCK YOU!’ That’s the opposite of how I am with lions.” (Submitted by crazyluvr)
If you have a pear-shaped body, you should not wear pear coloured clothes. Or...– Demetri Martin (via asecretmeeting)
I was riding the escalator, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour...– (via antontobias86)
I love video games, but they’re very violent. I wanna design a video game in...– (via antontobias86)
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together. People will say...– (via antontobias86)
Why are there never positive mysteries? It’s always like, “Who stole the...– Demetri Martin (via borndancing)
I remember when I used to be really into nostalgia.– Demetri Martin (via parakeetwednesday)