The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line– Demetri Martin (via cuuhhlaire)
It's a little ironic that one thing a babysitter...
An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time but I...– Demetri Martin (via carmellalosi)
Everyone knows a drunk driver is dangerous.
self-construction: But so is a drunk back seat driver…if he’s really persuasive. “Dude, make a left.” “Those are trees.” “Trust me.”
iwillbeyourgoal: i don’t like thank you cards, ‘cause i don’t know what else to say. what do i put on the inside? “man.” “see front.” i just think they’re very redundant, it’s just like “thank you” and you open it, “thank you.” tell me something i don’t know. “thank you. i fear dolphins” wow, this guy’s grateful and interesting! and dolphins can be aggressive swimmers.
musharama: “An easy way to make someone sound less powerful… …is just to put DJ before their name.”
Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by...– Demetri Martin (via tastedwalentz)
talabur: “Hot Potato” is a much different game when the people playing are hungry. It just becomes “My Potato”.
If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.– Demetri Martin “These Are Jokes” (via algedonics)
Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.– Demetri Martin (via fuckyeahcoolbeans)
If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.– Demetri Martin (via morrismaryson)