January 2012
34 posts
“The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line”
– Demetri Martin (via cuuhhlaire)
It's a little ironic that one thing a babysitter...
1 tag
“An ex-girlfriend is the same as an okay movie. I liked it at the time but I...”
– Demetri Martin (via carmellalosi)
Everyone knows a drunk driver is dangerous.
self-construction:
But so is a drunk back seat driver…if he’s really persuasive.
“Dude, make a left.”
“Those are trees.”
“Trust me.”
iwillbeyourgoal:
i don’t like thank you cards, ‘cause i don’t know what else to say.
what do i put on the inside?
“man.”
“see front.”
i just think they’re very redundant, it’s just like “thank you” and you open it, “thank you.”
tell me something i don’t know.
“thank you. i fear dolphins”
wow, this guy’s grateful and interesting!
and dolphins can be aggressive swimmers.
important things
musharama:
“An easy way to make someone sound less powerful…
…is just to put DJ before their name.”
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee. Sometimes old people hike by...”
– Demetri Martin (via tastedwalentz)
talabur:
“Hot Potato” is a much different game when the people playing are hungry. It just becomes “My Potato”.
“If I had a bookstore, I’d make the mystery section really hard to find.”
– Demetri Martin “These Are Jokes” (via algedonics)
“Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.”
– Demetri Martin (via fuckyeahcoolbeans)
“If you drink enough beer, everything turns in to a bed.”
– Demetri Martin (via morrismaryson)
