of all the random fucking things to write into the earth to be seen from satellite
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math. — Demetri Martin, This is a Book (via oliveswind)
If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead. Shit life. — Demetri Martin (via oliviaisthebomb)
You see, the cuter the girl is, the more I’m willing to hear about the cat. “Oh really?” “Yeah, he’s very intuitive.” But you’ll notice, at a certain point, I don’t care how cute you are. I don’t wanna hear about your fucking cat anymore. I hate your cat. When you leave the room, I try to get it.
I’m never going to love anyone the way I love you, Demetri.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. — Demetri Martin (via stevepethel)
DEMETRI MARTIN: PERSON