• Do you believe in love at first sight?…How about misery after three years?
• That shirt looks good on you. You know what else would look good on you? My friend Dave, I think you should go out with him.
• Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?
• When I’m with you I feel 3 pounds lighter. Probably because you bore the shit out of me……And I had a big lunch.
• Hey baby, are you being followed?…Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.
• I didn’t know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that’s because this angels gained a few pounds since we started going out.
• Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
• Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
• Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
• Are your feet tired?…Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

(via invadersmustdie)