Fuck Yeah Demetri Martin!

christhecreep: of all the random fucking things to write into...

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 09:51:18 -0400

christhecreep:

of all the random fucking things to write into the earth to be seen from satellite

"100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math."

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 16:02:06 -0500

“100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.”

- Demetri Martin, This is a Book (via oliveswind)

"If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead. Shit life."

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:00:06 -0500

“If you’re a battery, you’re either working or you’re dead. Shit life.”

- Demetri Martin (via oliviaisthebomb)

You see, the cuter the girl is, the more I’m willing to...

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 12:00:05 -0500

You see, the cuter the girl is, the more I’m willing to hear about the cat. “Oh really?” “Yeah, he’s very intuitive.” But you’ll notice, at a certain point, I don’t care how cute you are. I don’t wanna hear about your fucking cat anymore. I hate your cat. When you leave the room, I try to get it.

awful-but-cheerful: I’m never going to love anyone the way I...

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 20:02:06 -0500

awful-but-cheerful:

I’m never going to love anyone the way I love you, Demetri.

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Sat, 04 Feb 2012 18:00:05 -0500

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Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:00:05 -0500

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Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:02:06 -0500

"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."

Sat, 04 Feb 2012 12:00:05 -0500

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

- Demetri Martin (via stevepethel)

rachel-actually: DEMETRI MARTIN: PERSON

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:00:05 -0500

rachel-actually:

DEMETRI MARTIN: PERSON

isurrenderuntosleep: Demetri Martin

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 18:00:06 -0500

isurrenderuntosleep:

Demetri Martin

"I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’"

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 16:00:06 -0500

“I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

- Demetri Martin (via stevepethel)

It's very easy to turn a toy into an adult toy:

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:00:06 -0500

angryflamingo:

Location,

location,

location.

"I just feel like there’s a parallel world right in front of us that’s revealed with a small shift in..."

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:00:05 -0500

“I just feel like there’s a parallel world right in front of us that’s revealed with a small shift in perspective. Like sometimes when I look at a doughnut, it looks like a zero. It’s like it’s saying, “this is how many of me you should eat.” Then other times I see a bunch of doughnuts in a row and it looks like it says, “oooooo! eat all of us!” Then I do, and there’s one left, and it says, “O. Not cool, fatty.””

- Demetri Martin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9eeMLqZB1Q&NR=1&feature=endscreen watch all the parts

(via morganisthenewblack)

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Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:00:05 -0500

"The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line"

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:01:05 -0500

“The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line”

- Demetri Martin (via cuuhhlaire)

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Sat, 21 Jan 2012 14:00:05 -0500

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Sat, 21 Jan 2012 12:00:06 -0500

It's a little ironic that one thing a babysitter cannot do is sit on a baby

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:02:05 -0500

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Fri, 20 Jan 2012 18:01:05 -0500